Lost in a Familiar Place

I don’t feel welcome at church…

Growing up, I never had importance of titles of religion and denominations, and to be honest I didn’t know for a while how different each one could be. I only knew I was a believer. That there was God, Jesus Christ His son, who died and rose again, and the Holy Spirit who mediates between us and God. I didn’t understand why we would try and make it more complicated than that.

I always knew about God, and it was something never forced on me, and something I was able to witness in the lives of those around me who lived a life of faith. I saw the ups and downs as people struggled, the use of spiritual gifts to encourage others, the selflessness and service of servant-hearted people, and the grace and love of God. But if I get down to it, I never saw that in Church buildings. It was in everyday life and ministries. It was regular jobs and late night outreaches where I saw faith and grace being lived out. Where I saw a positive impact and unity between people.

I’ve never been part of one kind of church. I grew up going back and forth between multiple ones, and in college the ones I went to were often changing as a church or leadership. And to be honest, it was hard. I felt more out of place in church than I felt a part of it. There was this unsaid expectation that church–the place–was where holy things happened, and if you weren’t diligent in attending then were you really a believer of God? If you weren’t serving, were you really living by faith? I felt pressured so many times whenever people asked if I went to church this week, or what I was doing to serve because I couldn’t really answer them. 

I believe serving is important, but I believe it can be in any avenue. And yet, at church, when I tried to find ways to serve my community or use my talents….nothing fit, in both time and particular jobs. There seemed to be this view that if it didn’t have “church” or “Christian” tied to the work it couldn’t be serving. There’s the saying “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.” and this passage is said over and over again by those in ministry, and yet that isn’t always the case. Out of the avenues to volunteer in ministry, I didn’t see much beyond the regular childcare, youth ministry, and greeting, but I decided to still try, but I was told they were all full. Full. No room in the inn kind of feeling. I wanted to use my time wisely, and yet I was being told that there was no need to fill, no community groups open for new people to study scripture, and no room for…me. 

And it wasn’t the first time. It happened more than once, and I was more familiar with dead ends than open doors. What does one do in that situation? I wasn’t sure, and so instead of reaching out I withdrew. And I didn’t realize for a long time the impact “church community” had on me.

 In high school I had a really hard time. I was surrounded by people who were of similar age, but different mindsets. I never felt like I could open up, or fully relate. I would sit in services full of great lessons or ways to understand scripture, but as soon as it was over, once the church doors opened up–the church disappeared. Within only a few minutes the building would be empty and for those who may have lingered behind would wonder when you would have a chance to build connections. Church community felt like that to me–empty. Of course, there have been many people I’ve met over time that have been from different churches, but many came and left. While some may be able to stay in a single, solid community for years and grow their relationships, I’ve only been able to enjoy it for months. God’s family has been those I’ve met in random encounters, neighbors checking in, fellowship over home cooked dinners, conversation with people who’ve lived life and want to share wisdom. These were the people I knew and worked with. Yet I felt guilty for not going to church services steadily, or being part of a consistent community. Because that’s all I ever wanted, community. 

For a time I did try. I was a part of groups, I reached out to people, I went to events where I exhausted myself because I spent so much energy trying to just connect. And instead of even making one steady friendship. One consistent relationship, I had nothing. There was no connection, people were busy, people left. So I stopped. The trying, the reaching out, and I used the excuse of “moving on” to not have to fully deal with it. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly it was that impacted me, what emotions I felt that caused me to not feel completely home. Because it wasn’t some single event, it was the build of years and similar situations one after the other. Of feeling surrounded by fakeness while desiring something real. 

I’ve mentioned briefly to some before more recently how it wasn’t until one of my high school churches moved that I hadn’t been there in…years? And the thing was, I was just outside of it many times, but never went into the building for the longest time. Why? Perhaps it was the memories, the feelings of how out of place I felt, perhaps it was the people. When they changed their building I visited because I thought maybe it was the place, but I continued to feel caught in the spotlight. It was a place where I received many good teachings, but I never felt community. And it makes me think. Western churches put such an importance on church community, but is it always there? There are teachings and sermons and books all on it, but do their churches actually implement it? 

The church isn’t a building or a place. Though it’s often what we think or believe without realizing it. The church is supposed to be a community. It’s supposed to build up people, encourage and challenge and serve. Church community is everyday life, not in grand buildings. The Church shouldn’t be divided, and it shouldn’t be a place full of judgement. It’s a place where we should be able to struggle and heal and learn because of the support around us.

As I write this, I came across when the church community formed after Christ’s return to heaven.

“All believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowing, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer….All the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity–all while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all people.” Acts 2:42,44-47

That is the community of believers. That is how it began, and what a community should look like–living and encouraging each other every day. I’m still figuring it all out, but I think it’s important to remember that your community is those around you. Cherish your community, invest in those around you, and don’t give up. Community may not always last, but you can bring community and build it up.