Self-Discovery: a time of healing and restoration pt. 1

 

“What brought you to Korea?” is a question I am often asked, and saying why I am here is hard for me to explain at times. It feels normal. It’s where God opened doors. It’s a place where I feel safe to grow. And it wasn’t until recently after some conversations and self-reflection that I realized one of the reasons why I’m here. 

I had a lot of pressure back home. And by a lot, I mean enough to where I was struggling so hard to balance the pressure of peers, family, and professors I couldn’t see how it’d get better. Only since coming to Korea have I realized that this season is for a time of rest and restoration. 

• Restoration: the act of returning something to its original condition. 

I remember a conversation in college with someone when I was struggling with the balance of work and study and home life all at once. I was always exhausted and wasn’t sure how to handle it. She told me that the workplace would hold less pressure because when you went home at the end of the day, that was it. There were no assignments or projects you brought home every night, you clocked in and clocked out. When you arrived home you could rest instead of being pulled in a million different directions.

 I remember thinking “man that would be so nice, but is it attainable?” It was hard for me to imagine, and I couldn’t picture how one handled working 40 hours a week with a family and volunteer commitments and social commitments since I was already tired of studying to get a job. I was certainly burned out after working so much—-I think I had about 8 jobs while in college and averaged about 3-4 during the semester since I worked the max 20 hours of work study and had part time jobs outside of that during the week. And then I also had an unpaid internship for a while as well. I was going through college with the mindset I had to finish well in both degrees and pay off school since I was on a partial scholarship. And yet the only jobs I was able to get paid the salary wasn’t much at all, and it was depressing to see how hard I was working for next to nothing in return. I was so drained I no longer had the energy or desire to continue my hobbies which was discouraging as well. I didn’t like trying to imagine a future of working so hard for so little, and was one of the reasons I took this job outside of my city since there wasn’t much opportunity in the areas I was looking for.  

Only after getting a job that doesn’t require additional work at home, have I been able to finally see what that person meant. I’m learning to not have a go-go-go mentality while living day-to-day. I’m able to rest when I go home. I may not be super social and able to go out and about as others can, but I get out enough. I have many opportunities and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe. Even when work is stressful and busy, other parts of life keep me going so I’m not dragged down by negativity and I can recoup at home. I know life isn’t supposed to be easy, but right now I am recognizing that as I’m working I’m able to be more creative again. That I’m slowly able to reach out or experience new things as well. It’s a season of restoration of learning to live again and finding the joy of simple things and energy to do the activities I used to love and enjoy. There are ups and downs. There are many stressful things I have had to deal with that I wouldn’t have to struggle with back home, but I wouldn’t trade any of them because where I am I can see how much I am growing as a person. And being in Korea I think one of the reasons is active rest–to be healed while continuing on in life and not be at a complete stop. 

Before I wasn’t in a place where I could see an end to the exhaustion of constantly working. People often said “it’ll get better” but not how or why and I had a hard time believing them. It hasn’t been until recently that I read something along the lines of how even if you can’t see it right now, “better” will exist for you. Because for those that have gone on before us, “better” existed for them even when they couldn’t imagine how things could be different. 

You are
In a time of healing and restoration
both in body and spirit
You have been clinging to the smallest bits of hope
to bring you to the light and slowly you are being pieced together again as you become whole
–the person you were meant to be
You didn’t let the pain break you
When it tore you down it didn’t stop you
There may have been seasons where it seemed an end would be better
because there was no future in tomorrow 
But you have come so far
And now you are being healed
piece by piece
And I hope that in this time you can truly shine—