Living With Anxiety: constant insecurity

Trying to live with anxiety is like playing a game. You can plan and strategize as much as you like, but often you can never know exactly what will happen. You can think of every situation and outcome, ones you’ve experienced or know of, yet you may unexpectedly be unable to predict your own involvement. 

I say this because the weekend I began writing this post I was fine. I made plans in a group setting, but as soon as I arrived I quickly closed off and became an observer. Not that I dislike watching, but I could feel the awkward anxiety and I just wanted to leave. When I’m in those situations I still try and last the whole event because they are things I’ve said I would attend. I want to keep my word. Sometimes it gets better after that first hour, or I still want to leave. If I make it all the way through then I crash as soon as I’m alone. 

What sucks is I can never really do anything to prevent the anxiety mood swings. I recognize some of the situations that set them off, but I can’t prevent them. It’s just normal life and yet randomly one regular day will be drastically different than the one before. No warning. No particular reason. 

When I go to events people think I look upset, tired, bored, or that I don’t want to be there. They don’t see that I am overwhelmed, nervous, unsure. People see quiet as a negative thing. That when I look closed off it’s not because I think I’m better than everyone, but that I’m struggling to know how to interact. 

Living with anxiety isn’t an easy thing. What is simple for so many can suddenly become difficult. I love connecting with people, but put me in a crowd and I am like a deer in headlights. I don’t know what to do or say. I want to reach out, but can’t, and have to wait until someone initiates first. I want to speak but I can’t find the words to begin.

I think one of the hardest things for me is that when people say it will “get better”….I’m not sure I know what that really means. My anxiety has changed over the years, sometimes for the better or worse, but it has never gone away. I am still the quiet, unsure person I was before, but through time I am learning how to grow despite the difficulties it can bring. I learn every day how to step out, to see where my boundaries are and if I can push them. I learn what drains me and how I need to rest, and that it’s ok. The negative feelings aren’t forever, but it’s ok to have them, and a slow process on how to live with them.

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This post was so hard to write. What can I say about something I don’t fully understand? How do I put it into words? It is personal and feels like I am saying too much and nothing at all. That I am trying to get attention when it only affects me a small portion compared to others. But comparison takes away from something that is experienced. 

Living abroad has brought its own challenges with anxiety, but it is different. It allows me a safe space at my home but also pulls me out of my comfort zone time and time again. I have to make a pro and con list some days on whether something is worth doing because I’m not sure I can handle the awkwardness and struggle of figuring it out. Some things I am ok doing it on my own, and some things I am only brave enough to do if I have someone with me. There are different pressures, different atmospheres, and the anxieties from back home have lessened, but there is still that inner voice inside of me that won’t go away. Social anxiety for me isn’t just shy, it’s fear of embarrassment and being self-conscious when attention is put on me. It’s being overwhelmed in certain settings and unable to focus. Some days it’s analyzing my interactions of what I said and did, and not reaching out to others because it’s bothering people and I don’t want to become a burden. Even writing this post I was dealing with anxiety of trying to put my emotions into words, and it’s taken me a month to be okay with sharing them. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but they are words that I desire to put out, so I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing so.